New Year!

December 31, 2011

The end of one year and the beginning of another always causes me to stop and reflect on where I have been and where I am going.  There is usually a sense of hesitation as I think about new beginnings and wonder what pain and joy I will find in the New Year.  Sometimes I wish for the current year to keep going.  It seems better to stay with what you know than to face the uncertain.  However, even with the good things that happened in 2011, I do not wish for this year to go on.  I am quite sure that whatever 2012 holds for me, that has to be better than what I have dealt with in 2011. 

I don’t always wax spiritual in my conversation, but the last month has been horrendous.   I happily admit my weakness and need of God in my life as it has been God that has kept me going as I deal with the hardest things I have ever dealt with.  One of my favorite devotional books that I turn to every day is “The Daily Light on the Daily Path.”  The reason I like this book is it is straight Scripture.  No verse with someone else’s insight, no positive thought for the day from someone who has been there - just the words of God, written down by people like me, spoken to my heart by the Holy Spirit to encourage me in the exact way that I need to be encouraged.   Here is today’s morning devotional:

            “ ‘The Lord your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.’  ‘I carried you on eagles’ wings and brought you to myself,’  - In all their distress he too was distressed, and the angel of his presence saved them.  In his love and mercy he redeemed them; he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old. – Like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them on its pinions.  The Lord alone led him; no foreign god was with him.

            ‘Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you.  I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and rescue you.’ – For this God is our God forever and ever, he will be our guide even to the end.

            Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you. – ‘Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear….Your heavenly father knows that you need them.’  ‘Thus far has the Lord helped us.’ “

Deut. 1:31. Exodus 19:4, Isaiah 63:9, Deut. 32:11-12, Isaiah 46:4, Psalms 48:14, 55:22, Matthew 6:25, 32, 1 Samuel 7:12.

There could not have been a more perfect reading for me today and found myself encouraged as I read those words and let the meaning of them soak into my soul. 

“The Lord your God carried you,” as I have dealt with my husband’s depression.

“The Lord you God carried you,” while I have dealt with the reality of betrayal and abandonment.

“In all their distress he too was distressed,” so when I cried, the Lord cried too.

“The Lord alone led him,” – God leading me as I realize I cannot stay in Ohio any longer.

“The Lord alone led him,” – God has directed me as I have evaluated my options and tried to figure out where to go.

“I will…rescue you,” as I realize how blessed I am and what an amazing support system I have.

“I will…rescue you,” as housing in New York is arranged.

“I am He who will sustain you,” as I pack up and move again – but alone this time.

“I am He who will sustain you,” as I look for a job and try to figure out how I am going to support myself.

“I am He who will sustain you,” as I try and sort out who I am and what my purpose is in this world. 

No, I am not sorry to see 2011 end.  And the consequences of other people’s decisions and there affect on me will never go away, so in that sense 2012 will be difficult.  But as I have watched God protect, provide and encourage me through the last month, I know I can continue to count on Him.

 

For this God is my God forever and ever, he will be my guide even to the end.  Amen!

Life!

October 13, 11

            So I started this blog in August with the best of intentions.  I was not going to try and post something every day, but I intended to aim for at least three times a week.  I thought that seemed reasonable and it probably was/is.  The problem is that life happens and life for me has been extremely painful and complicated for about 4 years now. But while some people find release in writing, for me writing is a challenge.  I commented in my first blog that it is not something that comes naturally or easily to me and therefore, requires a great deal of concentration on my part.  When life gets complicated I do not have the emotional resources to write things down. 

It has also been my intention to keep the blog positive and I did not want to include things from the difficulties of my life.  This is not a realistic approach though it may be the safe approach.   I have learned the hard way that it hurts to be transparent.  When I have admitted to being imperfect I have had my many imperfections pointed out again and again.  When I have apologized for doing the wrong thing I have received little forgiveness and more blame has been heaped on me.   Transparency has not paid off for me…at least not in the ways I hoped it would.  But then I have to ask myself what are the determining factors in whether something pays off or not?   Has something “paid off” if everyone likes and respects me better because of what I did?  Are difficulties only worthwhile if there is a happy ending?   

            The truth of the matter is that while my attempts at transparency have not been well received they have paid off.  I have learned so much about myself and about other people in my painful experiences. I would have probably chosen to learn these things in easier, less painful ways but that choice was not given to me; the choice that was given to me was what was I going to do with all my hurt.   Here are some of the things I have learned as I have tried to handle my hurt.

1.     Handling and healing from the painful situations in life is a process.            It is better to realize it is a process and walk through each step deliberately and purposefully and achieve true healing then to try and fast-track your pain. 

2.     You can’t be a victim forever.   In my experience, those who were truly victims but haven’t let go of their pain extend no grace or understanding to others who are suffering in the same way.   And sometimes they even become perpetrators of further suffering to someone who is already hurting.

3.     If you don’t know what to say – be quiet.  I do not like to apologize, but my integrity and nature require me to take responsibility for my words and actions.  I have discovered the hard way that I cannot stand to go back and apologize to someone to who not only probably does not deserve an apology, but who also will not apologize to me for the ways they have wronged me.  Silence prevents apologies.

4.     Set up and maintain personal boundaries.  I am constantly amazed at the things people think they have the right to say and do.   The worst offenders seem to be those who would claim a family connection.  They could be older, smarter, or better educated but they have no sense of propriety. 

5.     Don’t be afraid to walk away from a relationship where the other person does not respect your boundaries.  If a person does not respect your feelings even after you have addressed the problem, then it is time to move on.  Life is too short to surround yourself with people who are unsupportive and disrespectful.

6.     I am allowed to have feelings.  Feelings are not right or wrong they are just feelings.  I need to be careful to not let my feelings affect my judgment or reasoning and my actions, but whatever I feel – it is okay for me to feel that way.

These are just a few of the things I have learned and I am glad to know them.  In fact, I wish I would have learned them sooner as there would have been many painful situations I would have avoided.   But even in that I don’t think the “when” I learned these things is as important as the fact that I DID learn them.  

New Life Motto

"Do the things you used to talk about doing but never did.  Know when to let go and when to hold on tight. Stop rushing.  Don't be intimidated to say it like it is.  Stop apologizing all the time.  Learn to say no, so your yes has some oomph.  Spend time with the friends who lift you up, and cut loose the ones who bring you down.  Stop giving your power away.  Be more concerned with being interested than being interesting.  Be old enough to appreciate your freedom, and young enough to enjoy it.  Finally know who you are."  Kristin Armstrong

Thoughts on Blogging

Friday August 26, 2011

Today is a momentous occasion for me; I have started a blog.  This may seem ridiculous since “blogging” has been around for at least 15 years and has been popular for 10 to 12 of those years.  But 10 years ago I was a stay-at-home mom and blogging was something that was unfamiliar to me.  Two years ago I re-entered the work force and discovered everyone has a blog.  Well, maybe not everyone, but I learned there is a significant amount of communicating done through blogs.  However, with kids still at home, a full-time job and online classes I didn’t feel like I had time to blog.  So now the kids are both gone, I am in between jobs, and I don’t start classes for another month; I can’t use the “time” excuse now.  The truth is that since I became aware of blogging I have found the idea intimidating for several reasons.  First, I have never considered myself a fantastic writer.  My kids both wrote short stories in their teenage years that were a lot of fun to read and my husband has always had excellent written communication skills; I have always felt my writing skills were adequate, but not on par with the rest of my family.  So not only do I feel inept at written communication, but there is also the pressure to make my writing interesting.  Some of those bloggers out there are really GOOD!  Their posts are witty, informative, insightful, and fun.  How is the average writer supposed to compete?  But biggest reason I have hesitated about blogging is wondering if I had anything worthwhile to say.  So many people seem to think they have worthwhile things to say and yet, after being on the receiving end of many worthless comments, most of those people had very little to offer by way of good advice.  I do not want this to be said of me. 

So why did I start a blog?  Well, an average writer will always be an average writer if they do not write, right? J  This is a great opportunity to improve my writing skills. And I do think I have worthwhile things to say.  I cannot fix problems but I can offer what I have learned and give examples of what has worked for me in various situations.  Perhaps in sharing those things someone will find something that will help them in their situation.  This still leaves me with the problem of making my writing interesting.  Several weeks ago a friend gave me a card that included this quote, “Be more concerned with being interested than being interesting.” That was the clincher for me.  Trying to be interesting = impossible; trying to be interested = completely do-able because I already am interested in lots of things!   So for better or worse, here I go…