October 13, 11
So I started this blog in August with the best of intentions. I was not going to try and post something every day, but I intended to aim for at least three times a week. I thought that seemed reasonable and it probably was/is. The problem is that life happens and life for me has been extremely painful and complicated for about 4 years now. But while some people find release in writing, for me writing is a challenge. I commented in my first blog that it is not something that comes naturally or easily to me and therefore, requires a great deal of concentration on my part. When life gets complicated I do not have the emotional resources to write things down.
It has also been my intention to keep the blog positive and I did not want to include things from the difficulties of my life. This is not a realistic approach though it may be the safe approach. I have learned the hard way that it hurts to be transparent. When I have admitted to being imperfect I have had my many imperfections pointed out again and again. When I have apologized for doing the wrong thing I have received little forgiveness and more blame has been heaped on me. Transparency has not paid off for me…at least not in the ways I hoped it would. But then I have to ask myself what are the determining factors in whether something pays off or not? Has something “paid off” if everyone likes and respects me better because of what I did? Are difficulties only worthwhile if there is a happy ending?
The truth of the matter is that while my attempts at transparency have not been well received they have paid off. I have learned so much about myself and about other people in my painful experiences. I would have probably chosen to learn these things in easier, less painful ways but that choice was not given to me; the choice that was given to me was what was I going to do with all my hurt. Here are some of the things I have learned as I have tried to handle my hurt.
1. Handling and healing from the painful situations in life is a process. It is better to realize it is a process and walk through each step deliberately and purposefully and achieve true healing then to try and fast-track your pain.
2. You can’t be a victim forever. In my experience, those who were truly victims but haven’t let go of their pain extend no grace or understanding to others who are suffering in the same way. And sometimes they even become perpetrators of further suffering to someone who is already hurting.
3. If you don’t know what to say – be quiet. I do not like to apologize, but my integrity and nature require me to take responsibility for my words and actions. I have discovered the hard way that I cannot stand to go back and apologize to someone to who not only probably does not deserve an apology, but who also will not apologize to me for the ways they have wronged me. Silence prevents apologies.
4. Set up and maintain personal boundaries. I am constantly amazed at the things people think they have the right to say and do. The worst offenders seem to be those who would claim a family connection. They could be older, smarter, or better educated but they have no sense of propriety.
5. Don’t be afraid to walk away from a relationship where the other person does not respect your boundaries. If a person does not respect your feelings even after you have addressed the problem, then it is time to move on. Life is too short to surround yourself with people who are unsupportive and disrespectful.
6. I am allowed to have feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong they are just feelings. I need to be careful to not let my feelings affect my judgment or reasoning and my actions, but whatever I feel – it is okay for me to feel that way.
These are just a few of the things I have learned and I am glad to know them. In fact, I wish I would have learned them sooner as there would have been many painful situations I would have avoided. But even in that I don’t think the “when” I learned these things is as important as the fact that I DID learn them.
