Hello, my name is Dyann and I am a recovering
perfectionist. I used to think that acceptance was based on performance and
this was backed up time and time again by approval or disapproval based on
things I did or did not do. As a teen and young adult I did not realize there
was another way to live so I kept going down the path of futility slowly becoming
more and more exhausted because every time I thought I had achieved perfect,
the standard changed.
In my struggles with perfection I learned a couple of
things that have helped me let go of perfect.
One of the biggest things that has helped me is that perfect or what constitutes as perfection is subjective. What one
person sees as perfect can fall short of the mark for another person. And
taking that thought a step further, sometimes what one person views as perfect
can actually be unhealthy and dysfunctional. I also realized that God does not require perfection. Not
only does He not require perfection for salvation, he also does not demand
perfection for every day life. I think back over my years in Sunday school and
the “chiding” of adults in church, “I expected better from you,” or “How do you
think that makes God feel?” I realize that this was a flawed attempt at getting
me to consider my actions, and perhaps I was actually doing something wrong,
but often it was a demand for me to behave as that person thought I should
behave. And it turned God into a performance-based acceptance kind of a God
instead of what He is – a God who loves unconditionally and accepts me based on
the blood of Jesus.
Also, here are a few things I have learned about people
who require perfection:
1. Those
who demand perfection are very often incredibly lenient with themselves. They
are quite willing to hold everyone else to a much higher standard then they
themselves will follow.
2. Those
who demand perfection are actually slaves to their insecurities.
3. Those
who demand perfection are never happy even if, by some chance, we hit the
perfect mark.
4. Those
who demand perfection were, at some point in their life, held to an unfairly
high and hypocritical standard themselves.
I do not include this list to be harsh or cruel. I include
it because sometimes, if we can identify and understand the underlying issues
of those expecting perfection,
we, or speaking for myself, I am better
able to let go of demanding perfection from myself.
So here’s how I am letting go of perfection:
*My house no longer has to be perfectly clean. I have made
in great strides in allowing people into my house when it is completely messy
and I have learned, much to my surprise, that people like coming to my house
even when it is messy.
*And I have struggled my whole life regarding perfection
in food choices and weight. Perfect for me, I am learning, is not vegan or
restrictive, and it is not model thin. It is about balance, health and energy. I
will no longer require myself to give up coffee or half and half in my coffee
because other people think it’s bad. And I don’t want to be the, “no-fun-to-go-out-with-because-they-won’t-eat-anything”
kind of a person. Bonding with people happens over food; life happens over
food. And life is too short to miss opportunities with people.
*I try to be myself with everyone I meet. You need to
understand that when I say “Be myself,” I am not talking about a rude, bluntly
honest version of myself. I cannot stand it when people excuse their rude and
inconsiderate behavior with the, “I am just being me” excuse. By being myself I mean I am not going to
pretend to be something I am not. I attempt to be tactful, and yet honest in my
conversation. And an honest approach to life means laughing at my mistakes and
not demanding perfection of others.
*Lastly, my circle of close friends is small. People who
want or demand perfection do not get close to me anymore. I have established
boundaries in my life and if a line gets crossed, I walk away. I am not saying
I don’t forgive. What I am saying is I no longer tolerate people who think it
is okay to impose their standards on me.
