Wrestling with God: Walking the Tightrope

 Several months ago I posted a blog about wrestling with God. I thought I was done with that topic, but I have been through a huge change in the last couple of months. I packed up my life in Johnson City, NY, and relocated to Charlotte, NC, where I moved into an apartment. Once again I am searching for employment, and once again I find myself wrestling with God. The longer I wait to get a response from potential employers, the more I wonder if I have done the right thing in moving. I chose Charlotte because I believed God was directing me here. What if I was wrong? This kind of wrestling isn’t connected so much to the reality of God, but rather considers God’s faithfulness. I moved here in faith; will God provide for me now? And so I find myself still wrestling with God.

Sometimes a relationship with God feels like a tightrope: it is hard to maintain a balance. God is, after all, GOD. You know, sovereign, creator, holy––GOD. But He is also a friend, a companion—He wants a relationship with us. If I completely embrace a relationship with God, then sometimes I feel like I am disrespectful of His divinity; but if I focus completely on God as divine being, then He becomes unapproachable and the relational aspect is gone. This struggle between the divine and relational aspects of God brings up a dilemma for those of us who love Him and are trying to walk with Him: what are we supposed to do when God offends us? What do we do when we are struggling with God?  I wish there was a formula I could give you, that doing X,Y, and Z would bring everything back into balance, but it doesn’t work that way. All relationships are unique between the parties involved. It is up to you to figure out how you will handle your relationship with God. What I can tell you from experience, and what I think is the most important aspect of wrestling with God, is that God is okay with our wrestling with Him. In fact, I believe God LOVES it when we wrestle with Him because it tells Him we take the relationship seriously.  

Wrestling, as a sport, is up close and personal. It is not done from a distance. It involves physical contact, looking at the opponent face-to-face. It is impossible for wrestling to be indifferent. It is heated—the people involved are invested in the outcome and biased as to what the outcome should be.  Given these two factors involved in wrestling we can see that wrestling is intensely personal. It is the same when we wrestle with God. We omit the physical element as we cannot actually touch God, but the other components remain the same. We cannot wrestle with God unless there has been closeness in the relationship. When we need or want something from God and we ask, because we are told to ask for what we want from God, it doesn’t always go the way we hope. We care—about our relationship with God, about whatever the issue is, and about how the issue is affecting us. We cannot be indifferent in our wrestling with God. It is personal.

Wrestling gets very complicated and confusing, though, when it comes to the expression of our feelings. This is another one of those tightropes. If God is only a DIVINE being, then we do not have the right to express our feelings. But if God is relational, then communication of both parties’ feelings is essential to the relationship. Here is where it gets tricky. Most relationships are built on rules, and although the rules vary depending on upbringing and life experience, among these rules you usually find the idea of mutual respect, caring, and a balance of honesty and tactfulness. Those of us who have a relationship with God want to maintain a respectful attitude toward God; we get that He is GOD. But sometimes the pain is so excruciating, the hurt and anger so overwhelming that you cannot hold back in expressing how you feel. It isn’t that you intend to be disrespectful or that you are challenging God’s authority, but the emotions are intense and an honest and relational approach to God dictates the need to “let it all out.” It is critical to realize at those times in our life that God can handle the FULL WEIGHT of our emotions. 

To be continued... ;-)  

Music!

Music has always been part of my life. When I was little I listened to my parents sing in church. As I got older I listened and sang along with my parents Letterman and Sandler and Young records. In high school I sang in my school choir and the church choir and listened to Lionel Richie, the BeeGees, Billy Joel and Bon Jovi with my friends. As an adult I participated in church worship teams. Music has always been there. But I didn’t realize until the last couple of years that, for me, music is a necessity – I literally cannot live without it.

Life is strange.  You go through the day-to-day and while everything isn’t perfect, it is okay and you can deal with the occasional twists and turns. But then the bottom drops out of your world and it doesn’t take long for whatever reserves you had to be depleted. It is funny though, life doesn’t stop when your reserves are depleted and you have to figure out a way to keep going. I was praying, I was trusting in God to help me, but it wasn’t enough. And that is where music stepped in.

Music is not just something I hear; some days it is my prayers, some days it is my hope. I don’t understand how it works, but music is able to go deep inside and pull things out of me - dreams I didn’t know were there. Music gives me courage, it inspires me to keep going, it lets me know I am not alone, and it reminds me that life is still fun and full of good things.

While my taste in music may not be everyone’s taste in music, I will share a few of the songs that have kept me going over the last year.

Not For A Moment – the Vertical Church Band with Meredith Andrews

http://youtu.be/XD0cvWImVjA

Worthy, Worthy – the Vertical Church Band

http://youtu.be/NA1mOQJouRg

The Great I Am by Phillips, Craig, & Dean

http://youtu.be/BhlDGS8wTeU

You Won’t Let Go by Michael W. Smith

http://youtu.be/zl9blXdooqY

Let It Out and When We Come Alive by Switchfoot off of their Fading West CD.

http://youtu.be/vl9focF2tvg

http://youtu.be/QfTopfOAEdY

Dark Horses and Afterlife by Switchfoot off of Vice Verses.

http://youtu.be/5_5oE0ijhKg

http://youtu.be/j6z-H3_hgEU

Never Let You Go by Manafest

http://youtu.be/8g3lBhgMW-M

On My Own by Ashes Remain

http://youtu.be/4l7fhxNrrrM

These songs have gotten hours of playtime; sometimes the song is on repeat and I listen to it over and over again. There have been days when I wished that I could somehow take in the music intravenously as I couldn’t seem to get enough of it. And it never seems to be loud enough. Some days that is how consumed I am by music.

I am going to close with a quote that pretty much sums it up for me,

“I was born with music inside me. Music was one of my parts. Like my ribs, my kidneys, my liver, my heart. Like my blood. It was a force already within me when I arrived on the scene. It was a necessity for me - like food or water.” Ray Charles  

My New Apartment

I recently moved. It has been hardest and most challenging thing I have done EVER. I left behind my daughter, my parents, numerous friends, and places that were familiar to build a new life

When I got to New York I knew I wasn’t going to be there long term. I tried to stay – applied for numerous jobs and didn’t get one of them. After realizing I wasn’t going to stay, I had to figure out where to go. Through a series of odd events and for several reasons, I chose Charlotte, NC. The middle of June I packed up all my stuff and I headed out for Charlotte; a couple of weeks later my parents drove down with all my stuff and a week after that I moved into a condo.

It is always risky renting a place when you aren’t familiar with an area, but it has turned out well for me. Target is around the corner, Trader Joe’s is less than 10 minutes away along with Ikea, Ulta, Old Navy, Hobby Lobby…you get the picture - I am centrally located to many stores that I like and shop at quite often.

Because of moving into a new place and making a new start I purchased some new things to hang in my apartment. I love them and I am going to share pictures of a few of them with you.

            This used to hang in the Broadway Cafe' at Davis College. I worked there this past year.

"

                     "at first glance it may appear too hard, look again - always look again."

                                                                        Love this one!                                             

                                                                      I love Dr. Seuss!

                                                      Some of my snarky coffee signs. 

 This one is special! My daughter painted this for me. She knows "Beauty and the Beast" is one of my favorite Disney movies. And she wrote a quote on the edge of the painting from another of my favorite Disney movies - Mulan, "The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all." Both the picture and the quote seem to fit my life.

This one is also special. Last December my daughter married into a wonderful family; I am truly blessed in that they also brought me into their family. My son-in-law's mother made this banner and gave it to me before I moved. I am so pleased to have something she made hanging in my house! 

Wrestling with God

This blog will be more philosophical than other posts as I have been contemplating life and its unfairness. I usually avoid talking about my divorce because I do not choose to dwell on the negative and I also am usually less open about my faith in God, but today I will not be. So consider yourself warned!

I, like many other Christians, recently went and saw God’s Not Dead in the theater. And while it was encouraging to hear some of the arguments for the existence of God, I was also incredibly disappointed. In the movie the college professor had faced a devastating loss and in his wrestling with God he turned away from God. He made the same choice many people make and it is a choice many Christians have to make at many times throughout their lives. But what the film never talked about and one of the things I think is missing in many Christian’s relationships with unbelievers is transparency about our wrestling matches with God.

I have wrestled with God. My deepest wrestling with God occurred after I found out my husband had been unfaithful to me. I had prayed for him and for us, I tried to love him unconditionally, I tried to encourage him while he struggled with a deep depression and still he was unfaithful. I was working full-time and had two teenagers at home so I was hurt and tired. I remember thinking one day – in a very detached manner, as I was not angry, just numb – I wonder if God is real. I grew up being taught about God by my parents who were taught about God by their parents. Did we all buy into a lie? I did not question the reality of Jesus or the Bible; I knew that if God was real then Jesus and the Bible were real too. But I did wonder about God and I continued to wonder about God for the next couple of months. It was no coincidence that I was taking an apologetic class at the time and I found this quote, “Conscience reveals to us a moral law whose source cannot be found in the natural world, thus pointing to a supernatural Lawgiver." C.S. Lewis from Mere Christianity

Because I had grown up being taught about God I had also been taught that all people were sinners. I did not have any difficulty accepting this as a reality. Every day in the news there were stories of parents doing horrible things to their kids, adults enslaving other adults and children, and people killing other people over trivial things – the reality of sin and people being sinners I did not question. There are those who argue that man hasn’t always been bad – man started off good and has gotten progressively worse. But the Code of Hammurabi, written somewhere around 1700 B.C., a point we would consider to be at the beginning of civilization, seems to indicate a need for rules. Because the Code exists it seems logical to assume that mankind was not basically good. In my questioning the reality of God I was considering all these things that I knew to be true and the C.S. Lewis quote was always at the back of my mind. One day I was in the break room at work listening to two of my co-workers – one of them believed in God and the other was vocal in her disregard for God. They were talking about their relationships with their boyfriends and the person who did not believe in God made the comment that she would kill (figuratively not literally) her boyfriend if he ever cheated on her. Then everything clicked. At that point I knew God was real. A moral expectation from someone who didn’t believe in God could only mean that there is a moral law. And with man’s proclivity to do whatever he wants regardless of who gets hurt, the only way there could be any moral law is if God was real. The C.S. Lewis quote went from being a challenging thought to a reality for me that day.

Is it wrong to admit that I wrestle with God? I think if we don’t admit to wrestling with God we are lying to ourselves and our lack of sincerity and transparency is apparent to those around us. Does it make me weak to admit that I wrestle with God? I suppose in some people’s eyes it does make me weak, but the truth is that those who attack transparency show the depth of their weakness and insecurity - it takes strength to admit questions and uncertainties.

My faith in God is very important to me, but it is also important to me that it is not a blind, mindless faith. Because of this it is likely that I will always wrestle with God. I will wrestle with the reality of good, godly, loving people dying and selfish, abusive people living, I will wrestle with the horrors of human trafficking, women being raped and killed, organizations and institutions who do not protect the vulnerable, and “godly” people who do ungodly things. But never again will I wrestle with the reality of God. 

P E R F E C T I O N

Hello, my name is Dyann and I am a recovering perfectionist. I used to think that acceptance was based on performance and this was backed up time and time again by approval or disapproval based on things I did or did not do. As a teen and young adult I did not realize there was another way to live so I kept going down the path of futility slowly becoming more and more exhausted because every time I thought I had achieved perfect, the standard changed.

In my struggles with perfection I learned a couple of things that have helped me let go of perfect. One of the biggest things that has helped me is that perfect or what constitutes as perfection is subjective. What one person sees as perfect can fall short of the mark for another person. And taking that thought a step further, sometimes what one person views as perfect can actually be unhealthy and dysfunctional. I also realized that God does not require perfection. Not only does He not require perfection for salvation, he also does not demand perfection for every day life. I think back over my years in Sunday school and the “chiding” of adults in church, “I expected better from you,” or “How do you think that makes God feel?” I realize that this was a flawed attempt at getting me to consider my actions, and perhaps I was actually doing something wrong, but often it was a demand for me to behave as that person thought I should behave. And it turned God into a performance-based acceptance kind of a God instead of what He is – a God who loves unconditionally and accepts me based on the blood of Jesus.

Also, here are a few things I have learned about people who require perfection:

1.     Those who demand perfection are very often incredibly lenient with themselves. They are quite willing to hold everyone else to a much higher standard then they themselves will follow.

2.     Those who demand perfection are actually slaves to their insecurities.

3.     Those who demand perfection are never happy even if, by some chance, we hit the perfect mark.

4.     Those who demand perfection were, at some point in their life, held to an unfairly high and hypocritical standard themselves.

I do not include this list to be harsh or cruel. I include it because sometimes, if we can identify and understand the underlying issues of those expecting perfection, 

we, or speaking for myself, I am better able to let go of demanding perfection from myself.

So here’s how I am letting go of perfection:

*My house no longer has to be perfectly clean. I have made in great strides in allowing people into my house when it is completely messy and I have learned, much to my surprise, that people like coming to my house even when it is messy.

*And I have struggled my whole life regarding perfection in food choices and weight. Perfect for me, I am learning, is not vegan or restrictive, and it is not model thin. It is about balance, health and energy. I will no longer require myself to give up coffee or half and half in my coffee because other people think it’s bad. And I don’t want to be the, “no-fun-to-go-out-with-because-they-won’t-eat-anything” kind of a person. Bonding with people happens over food; life happens over food. And life is too short to miss opportunities with people.

*I try to be myself with everyone I meet. You need to understand that when I say “Be myself,” I am not talking about a rude, bluntly honest version of myself. I cannot stand it when people excuse their rude and inconsiderate behavior with the, “I am just being me” excuse. By being myself I mean I am not going to pretend to be something I am not. I attempt to be tactful, and yet honest in my conversation. And an honest approach to life means laughing at my mistakes and not demanding perfection of others.

*Lastly, my circle of close friends is small. People who want or demand perfection do not get close to me anymore. I have established boundaries in my life and if a line gets crossed, I walk away. I am not saying I don’t forgive. What I am saying is I no longer tolerate people who think it is okay to impose their standards on me.  

Yes, I still have to have the toilet paper coming over the top rather than hanging down at the bottom. And yes, my books are in order by author and then height on my bookshelves. So I still have my quirks. And I am pretty sure my struggles with perfection are not quite over, but Perfection and I are no longer a couple! We have happily parted ways and I am enjoying learning to be ME!

The End...

I catered today. A small, but profitable, part of my job is catering private events on the weekends. These events are usually fun and the extra money is nice, so I don’t mind doing it. Today was no exception. But today was also bittersweet. Today I catered a baby shower. The young mother-to-be was beautiful, the young couple has been happily married for a year, and the family exuded joy and excitement. It was really special to watch as everyone helped decorate the café and get ready for the shower. They were an easy family to like and plied us with delicious Italian cookies, which we happily accepted.

But I couldn’t help but wonder as I watched today…what will the years bring to them? Will they make it through job changes, moves, and mid-life crisis? What about money problems, sickness and death – will they grow stronger when the challenges of life hit them, or will the challenges divide and conquer? I have talked to my dad about this. He is a pastor and has married hundreds of couples including all of his kids. And he has expressed feeling the same thing as he stands before couples on their wedding day – will they make it?

Life is hard and some days are heartbreaking. And when life gets difficult it is easy for the difficulties to obstruct our vision in such a way that we forget the good things. And sometimes we forget that there were good things. And that is the place I found myself today. The ending of my marriage was so hard I forgot that there were good things - like my kids, that happened during those years. I forgot the joy and anticipation I felt when I was pregnant with my kids. I forgot how much fun it was to watch their personalities develop and laugh, without them knowing it, at some of the things they did. My children were and are such a joy to me.

It is normal for us to remember the last thing that happened. The last thing we learned in math class, the last song of a concert, and the last chapter in the story. And it is okay to walk away disappointed if the last of whatever is unsatisfying.  But we shouldn’t let the last become all. What I mean is we should not let the end of the story be the whole story because it is not the whole story. And an end may be the cessation of one thing, but it is also marks the beginning of something new.

Although catering was hard, it was good to be reminded of other parts of my story. And in remembering the good parts I realized there will be good parts again. 

 

Chances!

It is March already – I am not sure how that happened. Supposedly time flies when you are having fun and I know that is true. But time also flies when life is busy, and my life has been busy! Two college classes one of which was horrible (that class is over), working 30 plus hours per week, and drama that I did not want or need, but have had to deal with anyway. I had gotten a little dragged down by everything. So when I turned my calendar to March and saw the picture I was surprised and encouraged.

“TAKE A CHANCE – TAKE AT LEAST ONE”

I do not consider myself to be a take a chance kind of person. I consider my options carefully. I consider the pros and cons and possible outcomes of different actions and then proceed cautiously. At least I used to. But things change. And I have changed. And as I read those words I suddenly became excited  - it was time for me to consider taking some chances!

So what kind of chances will I take? Well, after much discussion and encouragement from my son I have decided to get a couple of tattoos. Small ones – don’t look for any snakes or dragons on me. But I am still ridiculously excited about this and have my appointment scheduled for the end of March.

 

I found a Master’s program that looks like something I will love! It is a Master of Arts program in Integrative Theology from London Theological Seminary (yes, the one in England). I found out today that since this is a brand new major they are going to allow one student to get the degree for free. You have to write a 1000 word essay and it has to be chosen by their judges. I have to apply in order to submit my resume. And while I can do the entire program online, I could also go live in England… Perhaps this does not seem like a very big chance, but for me it is – you see my future is on the line. So I am going apply, and submit an essay, and see what happens.

I have never made any major trips alone, but this year I plan to go see my son in Hawaii.  I have ALWAYS wanted to go to Hawaii, so this is a pretty big deal.

There are a few other things I have planned… I am not going to mention what they are as they are very personal. They may show up in my blog and they may not. But the point is I am thinking outside of my box. I am thinking differently. Bigger. It is not that I will stop considering the pros and cons and options. But sometimes the biggest PRO is being able to look back and say, “I did not let my fears stop me. I did it! Or at least I tried.”

Life is too short - I intend to live!