Woman to Woman

Autumn. I love autumn!! It is a season of change, of vibrant colors—a season of cooler temperatures that bring out true colors. So often in life the seasons mirror inner changes that are taking place or that need to take place, and that is where I have found myself. My life is changing; my season in life is changing and it is time to let go of more old things—my green—so my inner colors can finally show.

I have let go of many things, actual and emotional, over the past several years and some of them I have shared with those who read my blog. However, this last thing has been especially difficult as I have a strong sense of personal loyalty, and when that is breached I struggle with, “Why?” Why would you do to someone else something that caused you so much pain? Why would you do/say those things? Why, why, why…. I have gone there before and the cycle and struggle are real. The “why”s, the anger, the rehashing events, and finally leaving it because the anger is unproductive, but not truly letting it go.  This time is different.

Our society is up in arms right now over comments made by a man about women, and I agree, we should be upset. It is deplorable that any human being would talk about other human beings so degradingly. But, to me, it is significantly more horrifying when a woman degrades another woman by comments or behavior.  As women we know what gender bias feels like. How it feels to be considered a lesser human being – less smart and less capable because of being a woman.  We know how it feels to be passed over because we aren’t men, and how horrible it feels to be thought of as less desirable because of our clothing or breast size and to be rejected for those same reasons. It is inexcusable for a woman or women to do this to another woman.

This time as I wrestled with those why questions, instead of rehashing all of those old events I thought about my daughter, a strong, beautiful woman with strength of conviction who walks in grace. I thought about my mom who lost her parents at 13 and could have allowed herself to become bitter and resentful, but instead took the loss and love she felt for her parents and sister (after whom I was named) and poured that into thousands of college students. I thought of my friend who became my aunt, Barbara, who stood on her own and made her way with strength, integrity, and success in a harsh world. It was a surprise and a blessing when she married my uncle, and she maintains her strength, integrity and success and continues to encourage others.  And my list goes on and on and on.

I realized that I could focus on the hurtful actions of a few women or I could focus on the myriad of AMAZING women God has brought into my life. Women who have fought for their health and even their lives, who have fought for their children, who have fought for their marriages, and who have fought for their emotional wellbeing in a dysfunctional, abusive world. Women who have stood up for the rights and feelings of other women, women who have been strong in a man’s world, women who have refused to make themselves less and instead, have chosen to make others more.

These women didn’t set out to be brave or strong.  In fact, I don’t think that ever entered their mind. They wanted to be faithful, responsible, God-fearing women who took care of their families, enjoyed their friends, and made the most of what was given to them. They were women going through life when life, or people in their lives, threw horrible challenges at them. And in the face of those challenges, they did not waver.

These are the kind of women that came alongside me and hugged me and told me I was doing well when everyone else was telling me I was a mess.  These women encouraged the good in me, spoke to my strengths, loved me, cried with me, prayed with me, and listened without judgment even when it wasn’t easy. Some of them helped me move, gave me money and showed up at my house at 9:30pm when I called them crying. And others have held on tightly as I have, imperfectly, made my way through the healing process. These beautiful, strong women have taken every opportunity to speak life and healing and restoration to me, and others around them.

As for the “why”s and the “how-could-you”s? There is no answer for those questions; no answer that will ever make sense. That’s why this time is different and why I can finally let it go: because the answer doesn’t matter. I didn’t need an answer. It turns out, what I needed was to change my perspective.

My Resolution!

I am often amazed at the beauty of the written word. The ability of a writer to transport you to another time and another place, which doesn’t have to be an actual date or location, but are places that are mile markers in the journey of life.

This morning I came across something I wrote seven years ago that I didn’t remember writing. I was instantly transported back to a season of pain and struggle that turned out to be the turning point of my life. I was reminded of how far I have come, but also surprised to find that the words written then reflect my intentions for my life now.  I have updated it a little and am sharing it below:

I am lacking in perfection

So upon close reflection

Everyone’s perception

Is my flaws.

I spent years accommodating

The demands they were making

And ended up just hating

Who I was.

Then came the realization

All my accommodation

Had won me no commendation

No applause

Always suspecting

Continually correcting

And finally rejecting

My poor sham

No more pretense of perfection

Just being a clear reflection

Based on God’s perception

Of who I am.

Happy New Year!