My New Apartment

I recently moved. It has been hardest and most challenging thing I have done EVER. I left behind my daughter, my parents, numerous friends, and places that were familiar to build a new life

When I got to New York I knew I wasn’t going to be there long term. I tried to stay – applied for numerous jobs and didn’t get one of them. After realizing I wasn’t going to stay, I had to figure out where to go. Through a series of odd events and for several reasons, I chose Charlotte, NC. The middle of June I packed up all my stuff and I headed out for Charlotte; a couple of weeks later my parents drove down with all my stuff and a week after that I moved into a condo.

It is always risky renting a place when you aren’t familiar with an area, but it has turned out well for me. Target is around the corner, Trader Joe’s is less than 10 minutes away along with Ikea, Ulta, Old Navy, Hobby Lobby…you get the picture - I am centrally located to many stores that I like and shop at quite often.

Because of moving into a new place and making a new start I purchased some new things to hang in my apartment. I love them and I am going to share pictures of a few of them with you.

            This used to hang in the Broadway Cafe' at Davis College. I worked there this past year.

"

                     "at first glance it may appear too hard, look again - always look again."

                                                                        Love this one!                                             

                                                                      I love Dr. Seuss!

                                                      Some of my snarky coffee signs. 

 This one is special! My daughter painted this for me. She knows "Beauty and the Beast" is one of my favorite Disney movies. And she wrote a quote on the edge of the painting from another of my favorite Disney movies - Mulan, "The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all." Both the picture and the quote seem to fit my life.

This one is also special. Last December my daughter married into a wonderful family; I am truly blessed in that they also brought me into their family. My son-in-law's mother made this banner and gave it to me before I moved. I am so pleased to have something she made hanging in my house! 

Wrestling with God

This blog will be more philosophical than other posts as I have been contemplating life and its unfairness. I usually avoid talking about my divorce because I do not choose to dwell on the negative and I also am usually less open about my faith in God, but today I will not be. So consider yourself warned!

I, like many other Christians, recently went and saw God’s Not Dead in the theater. And while it was encouraging to hear some of the arguments for the existence of God, I was also incredibly disappointed. In the movie the college professor had faced a devastating loss and in his wrestling with God he turned away from God. He made the same choice many people make and it is a choice many Christians have to make at many times throughout their lives. But what the film never talked about and one of the things I think is missing in many Christian’s relationships with unbelievers is transparency about our wrestling matches with God.

I have wrestled with God. My deepest wrestling with God occurred after I found out my husband had been unfaithful to me. I had prayed for him and for us, I tried to love him unconditionally, I tried to encourage him while he struggled with a deep depression and still he was unfaithful. I was working full-time and had two teenagers at home so I was hurt and tired. I remember thinking one day – in a very detached manner, as I was not angry, just numb – I wonder if God is real. I grew up being taught about God by my parents who were taught about God by their parents. Did we all buy into a lie? I did not question the reality of Jesus or the Bible; I knew that if God was real then Jesus and the Bible were real too. But I did wonder about God and I continued to wonder about God for the next couple of months. It was no coincidence that I was taking an apologetic class at the time and I found this quote, “Conscience reveals to us a moral law whose source cannot be found in the natural world, thus pointing to a supernatural Lawgiver." C.S. Lewis from Mere Christianity

Because I had grown up being taught about God I had also been taught that all people were sinners. I did not have any difficulty accepting this as a reality. Every day in the news there were stories of parents doing horrible things to their kids, adults enslaving other adults and children, and people killing other people over trivial things – the reality of sin and people being sinners I did not question. There are those who argue that man hasn’t always been bad – man started off good and has gotten progressively worse. But the Code of Hammurabi, written somewhere around 1700 B.C., a point we would consider to be at the beginning of civilization, seems to indicate a need for rules. Because the Code exists it seems logical to assume that mankind was not basically good. In my questioning the reality of God I was considering all these things that I knew to be true and the C.S. Lewis quote was always at the back of my mind. One day I was in the break room at work listening to two of my co-workers – one of them believed in God and the other was vocal in her disregard for God. They were talking about their relationships with their boyfriends and the person who did not believe in God made the comment that she would kill (figuratively not literally) her boyfriend if he ever cheated on her. Then everything clicked. At that point I knew God was real. A moral expectation from someone who didn’t believe in God could only mean that there is a moral law. And with man’s proclivity to do whatever he wants regardless of who gets hurt, the only way there could be any moral law is if God was real. The C.S. Lewis quote went from being a challenging thought to a reality for me that day.

Is it wrong to admit that I wrestle with God? I think if we don’t admit to wrestling with God we are lying to ourselves and our lack of sincerity and transparency is apparent to those around us. Does it make me weak to admit that I wrestle with God? I suppose in some people’s eyes it does make me weak, but the truth is that those who attack transparency show the depth of their weakness and insecurity - it takes strength to admit questions and uncertainties.

My faith in God is very important to me, but it is also important to me that it is not a blind, mindless faith. Because of this it is likely that I will always wrestle with God. I will wrestle with the reality of good, godly, loving people dying and selfish, abusive people living, I will wrestle with the horrors of human trafficking, women being raped and killed, organizations and institutions who do not protect the vulnerable, and “godly” people who do ungodly things. But never again will I wrestle with the reality of God. 

P E R F E C T I O N

Hello, my name is Dyann and I am a recovering perfectionist. I used to think that acceptance was based on performance and this was backed up time and time again by approval or disapproval based on things I did or did not do. As a teen and young adult I did not realize there was another way to live so I kept going down the path of futility slowly becoming more and more exhausted because every time I thought I had achieved perfect, the standard changed.

In my struggles with perfection I learned a couple of things that have helped me let go of perfect. One of the biggest things that has helped me is that perfect or what constitutes as perfection is subjective. What one person sees as perfect can fall short of the mark for another person. And taking that thought a step further, sometimes what one person views as perfect can actually be unhealthy and dysfunctional. I also realized that God does not require perfection. Not only does He not require perfection for salvation, he also does not demand perfection for every day life. I think back over my years in Sunday school and the “chiding” of adults in church, “I expected better from you,” or “How do you think that makes God feel?” I realize that this was a flawed attempt at getting me to consider my actions, and perhaps I was actually doing something wrong, but often it was a demand for me to behave as that person thought I should behave. And it turned God into a performance-based acceptance kind of a God instead of what He is – a God who loves unconditionally and accepts me based on the blood of Jesus.

Also, here are a few things I have learned about people who require perfection:

1.     Those who demand perfection are very often incredibly lenient with themselves. They are quite willing to hold everyone else to a much higher standard then they themselves will follow.

2.     Those who demand perfection are actually slaves to their insecurities.

3.     Those who demand perfection are never happy even if, by some chance, we hit the perfect mark.

4.     Those who demand perfection were, at some point in their life, held to an unfairly high and hypocritical standard themselves.

I do not include this list to be harsh or cruel. I include it because sometimes, if we can identify and understand the underlying issues of those expecting perfection, 

we, or speaking for myself, I am better able to let go of demanding perfection from myself.

So here’s how I am letting go of perfection:

*My house no longer has to be perfectly clean. I have made in great strides in allowing people into my house when it is completely messy and I have learned, much to my surprise, that people like coming to my house even when it is messy.

*And I have struggled my whole life regarding perfection in food choices and weight. Perfect for me, I am learning, is not vegan or restrictive, and it is not model thin. It is about balance, health and energy. I will no longer require myself to give up coffee or half and half in my coffee because other people think it’s bad. And I don’t want to be the, “no-fun-to-go-out-with-because-they-won’t-eat-anything” kind of a person. Bonding with people happens over food; life happens over food. And life is too short to miss opportunities with people.

*I try to be myself with everyone I meet. You need to understand that when I say “Be myself,” I am not talking about a rude, bluntly honest version of myself. I cannot stand it when people excuse their rude and inconsiderate behavior with the, “I am just being me” excuse. By being myself I mean I am not going to pretend to be something I am not. I attempt to be tactful, and yet honest in my conversation. And an honest approach to life means laughing at my mistakes and not demanding perfection of others.

*Lastly, my circle of close friends is small. People who want or demand perfection do not get close to me anymore. I have established boundaries in my life and if a line gets crossed, I walk away. I am not saying I don’t forgive. What I am saying is I no longer tolerate people who think it is okay to impose their standards on me.  

Yes, I still have to have the toilet paper coming over the top rather than hanging down at the bottom. And yes, my books are in order by author and then height on my bookshelves. So I still have my quirks. And I am pretty sure my struggles with perfection are not quite over, but Perfection and I are no longer a couple! We have happily parted ways and I am enjoying learning to be ME!

The End...

I catered today. A small, but profitable, part of my job is catering private events on the weekends. These events are usually fun and the extra money is nice, so I don’t mind doing it. Today was no exception. But today was also bittersweet. Today I catered a baby shower. The young mother-to-be was beautiful, the young couple has been happily married for a year, and the family exuded joy and excitement. It was really special to watch as everyone helped decorate the café and get ready for the shower. They were an easy family to like and plied us with delicious Italian cookies, which we happily accepted.

But I couldn’t help but wonder as I watched today…what will the years bring to them? Will they make it through job changes, moves, and mid-life crisis? What about money problems, sickness and death – will they grow stronger when the challenges of life hit them, or will the challenges divide and conquer? I have talked to my dad about this. He is a pastor and has married hundreds of couples including all of his kids. And he has expressed feeling the same thing as he stands before couples on their wedding day – will they make it?

Life is hard and some days are heartbreaking. And when life gets difficult it is easy for the difficulties to obstruct our vision in such a way that we forget the good things. And sometimes we forget that there were good things. And that is the place I found myself today. The ending of my marriage was so hard I forgot that there were good things - like my kids, that happened during those years. I forgot the joy and anticipation I felt when I was pregnant with my kids. I forgot how much fun it was to watch their personalities develop and laugh, without them knowing it, at some of the things they did. My children were and are such a joy to me.

It is normal for us to remember the last thing that happened. The last thing we learned in math class, the last song of a concert, and the last chapter in the story. And it is okay to walk away disappointed if the last of whatever is unsatisfying.  But we shouldn’t let the last become all. What I mean is we should not let the end of the story be the whole story because it is not the whole story. And an end may be the cessation of one thing, but it is also marks the beginning of something new.

Although catering was hard, it was good to be reminded of other parts of my story. And in remembering the good parts I realized there will be good parts again. 

 

Chances!

It is March already – I am not sure how that happened. Supposedly time flies when you are having fun and I know that is true. But time also flies when life is busy, and my life has been busy! Two college classes one of which was horrible (that class is over), working 30 plus hours per week, and drama that I did not want or need, but have had to deal with anyway. I had gotten a little dragged down by everything. So when I turned my calendar to March and saw the picture I was surprised and encouraged.

“TAKE A CHANCE – TAKE AT LEAST ONE”

I do not consider myself to be a take a chance kind of person. I consider my options carefully. I consider the pros and cons and possible outcomes of different actions and then proceed cautiously. At least I used to. But things change. And I have changed. And as I read those words I suddenly became excited  - it was time for me to consider taking some chances!

So what kind of chances will I take? Well, after much discussion and encouragement from my son I have decided to get a couple of tattoos. Small ones – don’t look for any snakes or dragons on me. But I am still ridiculously excited about this and have my appointment scheduled for the end of March.

 

I found a Master’s program that looks like something I will love! It is a Master of Arts program in Integrative Theology from London Theological Seminary (yes, the one in England). I found out today that since this is a brand new major they are going to allow one student to get the degree for free. You have to write a 1000 word essay and it has to be chosen by their judges. I have to apply in order to submit my resume. And while I can do the entire program online, I could also go live in England… Perhaps this does not seem like a very big chance, but for me it is – you see my future is on the line. So I am going apply, and submit an essay, and see what happens.

I have never made any major trips alone, but this year I plan to go see my son in Hawaii.  I have ALWAYS wanted to go to Hawaii, so this is a pretty big deal.

There are a few other things I have planned… I am not going to mention what they are as they are very personal. They may show up in my blog and they may not. But the point is I am thinking outside of my box. I am thinking differently. Bigger. It is not that I will stop considering the pros and cons and options. But sometimes the biggest PRO is being able to look back and say, “I did not let my fears stop me. I did it! Or at least I tried.”

Life is too short - I intend to live!

Sick

I hate being sick, it is lousy being sick, and I don’t have time to be sick. But here I am – SICK!! The only thing that makes me feel slightly better is that everyone else is sick too. Perhaps I caught it from one of the many students who are sick right now, perhaps it is because this winter has been sooo cold and we have had so much snow, or perhaps it is because my routine has been completely turned upside down this weekend by my faithful buddy, Riley.

Riley is a dog. I am his other mom; his first mom had to leave town for a few days and whenever she leaves, I take care of the puppy. It is difficult to have to take him out for his walks. I feel crappy and he is soooo happy to be outside! But he is also soooo cute. He follows me around my little apartment and makes me laugh as he destroys toilet paper rolls and boxes. When I am need of a little exercise, indoors, I get up and pick up the shredded cardboard and throw it away.

So far my days have consisted of several movies, lots of naps, several large mugs of tea and lots of water, which has eased the coughing but then there is that other thing that happens when you drink a lot. It would helpful if I could somehow move the TV into bathroom.

To make things more interesting – the apartments I live in had frozen pipes twice yesterday - never a dull moment. But even in the middle of the yucky stuff of life there are so many good things. My parents brought me medicine and crackers and another friend brought me soup and more crackers. The staff at the college where I work and where my apartment is were awesome getting the water fixed right away. And I have several people who have texted me and asked what they could do to help. I am so thankful for all the wonderful people in my life! The cool thing is that not are there so many wonderful people in my life, but sickness comes and then it goes and I am feeling much better. Life goes on…

Dreams

So this is February…perhaps too late for a post about a new year? Perhaps not! Not for me anyway. I have just realized to my astonishment and relief that this year is going to be a GREAT year! Maybe even the best year I have had in many years.

I am not going to complain about 2013. Well, not very much. After all, my daughter got married in December of 2013 and I now have a son-in-law – that was a good thing! And there were other good things that happened, but sometimes the good things unsettle you to the point that it takes a while to recover. And while you know they are good, sometimes they are also hard and you are just GLAD when you can be done with them. That was 2013 for me.

But while I was glad to see 2013 depart, I was uncertain about 2014. For example, I know medicine is a good thing and will (hopefully) make me feel better, but that doesn’t mean it will taste good. And once you have had one nasty tasting medicine you are wary of the taste of other medicines. So a good thing, but a hard thing can make you wary of the next thing. Because of that I took the month of January to think about my life. What do I want to do now that I can do anything? And can I really do anything?

Those questions have taken some prayer. And careful consideration. My biggest consideration are my kids and they are happily settled in their own lives. While they still want me to be part of their lives, they don’t need me in the same way anymore. They are off being the responsible adults I hoped they would become and are figuring out their place in the world. So I don’t have the tie of kids. Another consideration is debt and I don’t have a lot of that. Well, I have college loans, which are technically debt. But that debt doesn’t control where and I live and what I do for a living, so that is not a consideration either. And I am not responsible for a home. Again, technically my name is still on all the paperwork, but I bear no financial responsibility for the house and soon enough will have nothing to do with it, so I don’t have to worry about a home. So far – so good!

Perhaps my biggest question for myself is what exactly do I want to do? What do I want to be “when I grow up?” The funny thing is I have not known the answer to this question until recently. And perhaps I would not have known the answer at all if I hadn’t had to go through everything I have been through. 

But another major question I have asked myself is what happens if things go like they did before. One of the things we humans do when we consider the possibilities that life has to offer is to reflect on how things have gone in the past. And it is important to consider the past. But my future cannot possibly go the same way my past did because I am not the same. The past acted on me in such a way as to forever change me. My outlook, my responses, my boundaries are all different. I am different. And I am glad!

Last but not least is the question can I really do whatever I want? This has also been a tough question to answer. Mostly because I have kept the wrong company – the people speaking the loudest in my life were speaking words of negativity and failure. They pushed down my hopes and crushed my dreams to the point I thought they might be gone forever. I have realized though, that dreams are beautiful things. They are never crushed, only refined, and never gone, just waiting for you to remember them. And that is why 2014 is going to be awesome!! I remembered that I once had dreams. Somehow over the last month, with all of my questions and introspection, all of my soul searching and answer seeking, I have remembered my dreams. And in remembering them I have found the courage and the audacity to dream even bigger dreams. So let’s go 2014!