Dreams

So this is February…perhaps too late for a post about a new year? Perhaps not! Not for me anyway. I have just realized to my astonishment and relief that this year is going to be a GREAT year! Maybe even the best year I have had in many years.

I am not going to complain about 2013. Well, not very much. After all, my daughter got married in December of 2013 and I now have a son-in-law – that was a good thing! And there were other good things that happened, but sometimes the good things unsettle you to the point that it takes a while to recover. And while you know they are good, sometimes they are also hard and you are just GLAD when you can be done with them. That was 2013 for me.

But while I was glad to see 2013 depart, I was uncertain about 2014. For example, I know medicine is a good thing and will (hopefully) make me feel better, but that doesn’t mean it will taste good. And once you have had one nasty tasting medicine you are wary of the taste of other medicines. So a good thing, but a hard thing can make you wary of the next thing. Because of that I took the month of January to think about my life. What do I want to do now that I can do anything? And can I really do anything?

Those questions have taken some prayer. And careful consideration. My biggest consideration are my kids and they are happily settled in their own lives. While they still want me to be part of their lives, they don’t need me in the same way anymore. They are off being the responsible adults I hoped they would become and are figuring out their place in the world. So I don’t have the tie of kids. Another consideration is debt and I don’t have a lot of that. Well, I have college loans, which are technically debt. But that debt doesn’t control where and I live and what I do for a living, so that is not a consideration either. And I am not responsible for a home. Again, technically my name is still on all the paperwork, but I bear no financial responsibility for the house and soon enough will have nothing to do with it, so I don’t have to worry about a home. So far – so good!

Perhaps my biggest question for myself is what exactly do I want to do? What do I want to be “when I grow up?” The funny thing is I have not known the answer to this question until recently. And perhaps I would not have known the answer at all if I hadn’t had to go through everything I have been through. 

But another major question I have asked myself is what happens if things go like they did before. One of the things we humans do when we consider the possibilities that life has to offer is to reflect on how things have gone in the past. And it is important to consider the past. But my future cannot possibly go the same way my past did because I am not the same. The past acted on me in such a way as to forever change me. My outlook, my responses, my boundaries are all different. I am different. And I am glad!

Last but not least is the question can I really do whatever I want? This has also been a tough question to answer. Mostly because I have kept the wrong company – the people speaking the loudest in my life were speaking words of negativity and failure. They pushed down my hopes and crushed my dreams to the point I thought they might be gone forever. I have realized though, that dreams are beautiful things. They are never crushed, only refined, and never gone, just waiting for you to remember them. And that is why 2014 is going to be awesome!! I remembered that I once had dreams. Somehow over the last month, with all of my questions and introspection, all of my soul searching and answer seeking, I have remembered my dreams. And in remembering them I have found the courage and the audacity to dream even bigger dreams. So let’s go 2014!