Pain

Pain

Like a river with no current

And the ocean with no tide,

Like a choir with no harmony

And a playground with no slide,

Like a sunset with no colors

And a storm with no rain,

There is no joy, no pleasure,

In a life that knows no pain.

Like a song with no melody,

Like a house with no door,

Like a sailboat with no wind,

Or a rowboat with no oar,

There is no going forward.

There is no growth, no gain,

No hope or expectation

In a life that knows no pain.

As diamonds are made under pressure,

And pearls were once grains of sand,

So do not take my pain from me,

It is making me who I am.

My "Gift" List!

One of my favorite movies growing up was Pollyanna starring Haley Mills.  I loved watching the transformation that took place in the movie.  When she first arrived at her aunt’s house no one was glad to see her and they treated her as though she was a burden.  But by the end of the movie every person she had come in contact with was different – better, because they knew her.  She seemed to be unaffected by her aunt’s harsh and cold behavior and I was amazed that instead of being hurt or offended she looked for the best in people and for things to be “glad” about; she called it the “Glad Game.”  

I mentioned in an earlier post that I have been reading a book called, “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp.  It is a book that has not been an easy read for me, as the author’s writing style is different.  But it has a challenging and compelling message.  She shares how her search for “gifts” or things to be glad about has transformed her life and she encourages others to look for the “gifts” in their life.   So I have started a “gift” list and I play my own version of the “glad” game and today I am going to share a few of those “gifts” with you!

1.     Sunshine – if you live in New York state or Ohio you know what I mean!!

2.     Hope

3.     My first cup of coffee in the morning.

4.     Music – Yesterday it was Nickelback and Five For Fighting

5.     Watching the squirrels scamper up the pole that holds the bird feeder to dump more birdseed on the ground.  

6.     New Beginnings

7.     Laughing with my daughter while watching one of our favorite movies.

8.     A new hairstyle.

9.     Dinner…when made by someone else.

10. An apartment full of college students - shared laughter and lively discussion!

11. Dreaming – about the future, about possibilities, about things that may never happen!!

12. Answers to prayer

13. Forgiveness…feels so wonderful!

14. The flowers on my entertainment center.

It is hard to be gloomy and depressed when you are looking for little pieces of beauty throughout your day and it changes your perspective to look for good things instead of bad.  By the end of 2012 I hope to have at 1000 things on my “gift” list.  But even more, I hope that my looking for the good, in people and in life, will be a habit that forever changes me.  

   

What a difference a day makes...

On Monday I was in pretty tough shape.  I was okay physically, but very discouraged.  I have been trying to find a job for about two months and despite sending out what feels like hundreds of resumes, I had received no response.  I work 10 hours a week in a college cafeteria making dinner for the students and serving them as they go through the food line.  I love to cook, so learning to cook for 60 has been interesting and I enjoy talking and interacting with the students so I like the job.  But 10 hours a week is not enough money to pay my bills and either I have to find either another job in addition to my current job, or get a full time job.   I have been hoping for a full-time job.

Last weekend I submitted my resume to an employment agency in hopes they had a job available.  When I submitted my resume via email I told them I would call and schedule an appointment to meet with them during the week.  So I called the employment agency Monday morning and was able to go in and speak with someone Monday afternoon.  Interestingly enough, my resume never made it to the office so the person I met with had no idea who I was.  I filled out an application and handed her a copy of my resume and we talked.   We talked for about an hour.  She asked questions about my work experience, what my goals are (my major for my Bachelors degree is religion – does this mean I intend to be a minister?), specific skills I have, and what kind of job I wanted.  She told me I have some great job skills, but my resume needed to be more specific, more detailed, and that even experience 20 years back should be listed.   She also encouraged me personally by telling me she knew if I could get in the door for an interview, I would get the job; it was obvious to her that I am capable, intelligent, and could do any job put before me.  In the course of hour I went from feeling like I was incapable and hopeless to someone who could do anything and for whom the possibilities were endless.  I left her office with confidence and felt encouraged to keep trying to find a job.

I did tweek my resume doing all of the things she suggested, so it was more detailed and specific.  With my newly tweeked resume and a new sense of confidence, I started looking through the online job boards again and found two jobs apply for.  But these jobs were different then the jobs I had previously applied for.  Instead of applying for something safe, I stepped up and applied for jobs I knew I could do based on job requirements and experience, but would have hesitated to apply for in the past.   The one job had me do a kind of interview online.  They asked a question and I typed my response in an answer space.  There were seven questions and I was able to use examples from previous jobs and demonstrate what I know about doing the job they are hiring for and give them an idea of my interpersonal skills.  If I did well on this pre-interview, they would contact me about an in-person interview.  They called yesterday and I have an interview on Tuesday.  I went from no response when I submitted a resume to having an interview within two days of submitting a resume.  

Was it my newly redone resume, my applying for the right job, or God’s timing that landed me the interview?  I imagine some combination of the three.  There is no guarantee that I will get this job; I know that.  But I also know that I will forever look back on the appointment Monday, February 13^th as a turning point in my life.  Before the appointment I had the determination to get a job and move forward in my life, but lacked the confidence; now I have the determination and confidence.  And that makes me unstoppable.  What a difference a day makes!!

Southwest Dip!

I mentioned in an earlier post that I love to read.  And I do!  I also love to bake.  It may seem random to mention these two things together, but they are connected.  I not only love to read, but I can and love to read the same books over and over.  There are books that I have turned to again and again…so much so that they are more like old friends now.  They are uplifting, comforting, and can be counted on.  It is the same with some of my recipes.  Growing up I did a lot of baking.  My brothers loved homemade cookies and there was usually a crew of kids outside playing basketball with my brothers and they were willing to eat homemade cookies too! Since I hadn’t done much baking at that point, many of the basic recipes were an experiment for me, so I tried a lot of different cookie, brownie, and other cookie bar recipes to see what I liked.  Now, after a lot of years of baking, I have some recipes that are like my books – they can be counted on.  I have made them so often they are a part of my family and they never fail to make me look good.  This is one of those recipes.

Southwest Dip

2 tomatoes, chopped

½ small onion, finely chopped

1 15 oz. can of corn

1 bunch of cilantro, finely chopped

2 ripe avocadoes

1 Tbsp. olive oil

1 Tbsp. Lemon juice

1 Tbsp. Brown and spicy mustard

Lemon Pepper, salt and garlic powder to taste

Combine everything in a bowl and serve with tortilla chips.

This is a never-fail party hit.  Leftovers taste wonderful with scrambled eggs in the morning or you can serve it as a salad with hamburgers.  But it is also very adaptable.  You can omit the corn and use black beans.  You can add chopped jicama, zucchini or summer squash, and for a tropical flair, chopped mango.  The only thing you need to do is to make sure that as you increase the vegetables you use, you use more chopped cilantro.  The cilantro is what makes the dip special.  

Enjoy! 

Peanut Butter Days!!!

Our lives are inseparable from food.  We eat to live and we live to eat – that is just how it is!  Food is the focus of our life and this is generally true of everyone.  The person who struggles with overeating focuses on food just as much as the person who doesn’t have enough food; the non-dieter as much as the vegetarian.   And we are all familiar with the concept of “comfort food.”  Comfort food is food that we associate with family, good memories, and seasons; food that brings us a small measure of comfort when life is out of control and when we are sad.  I am no different than any other person in the world.  I think about food – sometimes I even dream about food, and yes, I have my favorite “comfort foods.”

Sometimes I plan ahead for my favorite comfort foods.  It is our family tradition to, every St. Patrick’s Day, have corned beef and cabbage.  It has become one of our favorite meals and we look forward to St. Patrick’s Day because we love corned beef.   (We also either watch The Quiet Man or Leap Year – so much fun!)It is the same with Thanksgiving.  We don’t eat a lot of turkey throughout the year.  We love it, but I just don’t cook it that often.  However, I look forward to Thanksgiving knowing we will have the traditional turkey, stuffing and gravy with various other side dishes, and of course, pie for dessert.  There is comfort in the tradition and anticipation of the meal. 

Everyone has a different list of foods they consider comfort food.  Dark chocolate, popcorn, coffee, Panera’s cream of chicken and wild rice soup, baked macaroni and cheese…these are a few of the comfort foods on my list.  And yes, peanut butter is near the top of the list.  While I like peanut butter in general and do eat natural peanut butter, my favorite peanut butter is Jif.  Preferably extra crunchy, but I will take the creamy if that is all there is.  I love peanut butter and crackers, peanut butter spread on a slice of bread, and sometimes, I will just stick the spoon in the jar and eat it plain. (I don’t double scoop with peanut butter though…thought you might be wondering!)  I love peanut butter!!!  So how does a day become a peanut butter day?

Life has really been life for me lately: confusing, complicated and just plain hard.   I do a lot of praying and reflecting first thing in the morning and some mornings I feel kind of down.  After I have had my morning cups of coffee I start thinking about breakfast and run through my options:  I can eat my very healthy Ezekiel 4:9 cereal (which I do like), I can go the high-protein route and scramble some eggs, or I can make myself a super-healthy fruit smoothie.  I usually choose from one of these options.  But some mornings the only thing that sounds good is a slice of bread with peanut butter.  I start with one piece of bread and generally, that one piece tastes so good I go back for another.   That’s when I know it is going to be a “peanut butter day.”  It isn’t that my eating for that day will be terrible, but my focus that day will be more on foods that sound good rather than what I know I should eat.  Peanut butter days almost always include popcorn and a small to moderate amount of chocolate and other things that are not a regular part of my diet.  Every day includes coffee, so while coffee is a comfort food, it not optional.  It is a necessity. 

I used to beat myself up over my peanut butter days, but I don’t anymore.  In the scope of life and time it is such a small thing.  And guilt (while necessary and good in some situations) is unproductive at best and crippling at its worst in areas that are subjective.  Peanut butter is relatively inexpensive (it is not caviar), and while it is not the healthiest food out there it is also not the worst thing you could eat.  So if a few “peanut butter days” makes life a little more enjoyable, then long live peanut butter days!!! 

“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”

~ James A. Garfield

Living Well!

February 1, 2012

Doing well.

I love to read!!  I have always loved to read and while I see the practicality of online books, there is something special about curling up on the couch with my coffee and book.  Curling up with my coffee and an iPad just isn’t the same.  Right now I am going between several books.  I am reading (very slowly) Augustine’s City of God, Living Beyond Your Feelings by Joyce Meyer, and One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  

This morning I was reading from One Thousand Gifts and the author made a statement that really made me stop and think.   She said, “I just want time to do my one life well.”  I started to think about what that statement means for me.

“I just want time…”  Time passes so quickly.  I amazed to look at my children and realize they are 21 and 18 (almost 19.)  I talk to my son on the phone frequently and listen as he shares the events of his day and his thoughts and dreams and I feel blessed that he wants to share those things with me.  I share an apartment with my daughter and love that she comes in and sits on my bed and shares the events of her day and asks what I think about this situation, or shares some of her inner uncertainties with me looking for guidance, understanding, and the assurance that her concerns are the same ones everyone else has.  Again, I am honored that my children still desire my input in their life as I know not all children feel that way about their parents.  Yes, I home schooled my kids and yes, I spent a lot of time with them and yes, I am glad I stayed home with them.  But yes, I also regret that keeping the house clean had a higher priority in my life than maybe it should have had.  Yes, while I enjoyed church music and while it was fulfilling to me personally, there were many nights where my kids were left to entertain themselves at church while I practiced with the worship team.  I regret that I did not have a better sense of what was truly important.   I regret that I pushed them to hurry through tasks and paid more attention to the clock (sometimes) than what was important to them.  I cannot get any of that time back; it is gone.

“…to do…” It has been said that trying something and being unsuccessful in accomplishing our goal is not a failure; it is only failure if we never try.  There are lots of things I would like to do: learn how to do this, read that, travel here, etc.  The list is long.  Most of those things will never get done and that is okay.  While the items on my list may be neat and fun or something cool to brag about they also may not fit with the overall priorities of my life, so I will choose to let those things go.  But the item “exercise regularly” is one of the things that does fit with my overall goals in life and yet, it does not become a priority, “to do.”  Other things – those things that fit my life’s goals, are hard for other reasons.  Life has a way of beating us down and survival – the need for food and shelter, are exhausting.  Sometimes we end up with people in our life, whether by choice or by circumstance, who try and convince us we can’t; whose insecurities are so great they are immensely threatened at the thought that maybe, we can.  The truth is that it may not be possible for us to accomplish everything we want (remember, life still happens), but we CAN do a lot more than others, and maybe ourselves, think we can. 

“…my one life…”  And there is the heart of the matter.  There is a term in the game of golf for a “do over;” it called a mulligan.  If you hit a bad shot you take a mulligan and try again.  (No, I do not play golf.  But I have watched several movies about golf/golfers and heard the term and it was such a funny word it was hard to forget.)  The thing is, life does not give us any do-overs.  We may sometimes may get another chance to make things right, but there is no going back and undoing what has already been done.   I had one shot at raising my kids.  I get one chance to bite my tongue when I am angry.  I get one chance to respond with integrity in the middle of some of the crappy situations life throws at you.  And I get one chance to run away when temptation is standing in front of me.

“…well.”  Well can be defined in many ways.  If someone behaves well it means they have behaved in a good and proper manner.  When someone does something well it means they are skillful and proficient in what they are doing.  And if someone does well it means they have successfully and effectively accomplished a goal or purpose. The thing about doing well or living well is that people define it differently.  To some it means living in particular neighborhood, achieving a certain status in their job, or being wealthy.  So in order to live my life well I have to first determine what “well” means for me.  My definition of “well” will determine my core values and upon determining my core values, I am able to set priorities for my life. 

“I just want time to do my one life well.”  So what does this statement mean to me?  It means that I am going to remember that the joy is in the journey not arriving at whatever I think the destination is.  In a world enslaved by the clock, I am going to take time to appreciate sunsets, flowers, and to value time spent with friends.  There will always be things life requires, but in the middle of trying to survive I am going to take a few chances.  I am going to pick a few goals and work towards them; I am going to remember that not trying is the true failure.   It means I am going to remember that life is over too quickly.  I will say, “I love you,” when I have the chance, I will make more of an effort to let go of offenses and forgive the offenders, and since I realize that it is not my job to help or be friends with everyone, there are some people who will not be a part of my life.  And how would I define living well?  To have a job I enjoy even if I don’t make a lot of money, to have people that are “safe” around me, to be able to see my kids as often as possible, to be an encouragement and make a difference to those within my sphere of influence, to act with integrity, and to walk in humble partnership with God.  These are the things that are important to me.  These are the things I am going to focus on.  These are the things I am going to try to do.  

“I just want time to do my one life well.”