Still Wrestling With God: The Three Assumptions

I used to hold back in expressing my feelings to God. I was brought up believing it was a sin to say anything that could be construed as disrespectful, it was a sin to disagree with God, and it was a horrible sin to be angry with God over things that had happened to me.  I would think things—mentally carry on conversations, sometimes rants, but not verbalize anything. I am not exactly sure when the light bulb went off, but one day it occurred to me:

God already knew what I was thinking.

If He were God ONLY then perhaps my thoughts were a sin. But I had already experienced too much of the relational side of God and it didn’t strike me as logical for God to want a relationship with me, create me with feelings and then get mad when, as part of the relationship, I expressed those feelings, so I began to open up in my conversations with God. I began expressing my anger.

Many times, in the heat of the moment, it is hard to separate out the emotions involved in our anger. The secondary emotion behind anger is fear, so while anger may be an emotion, it is also a defense mechanism; it is how we protect ourselves. When I first started honestly communicating with God, I railed at Him. I was hurt and afraid and I thought He should have stopped the things that happened to me. But something happened as I continued expressing myself. I began to realize that my anger was misplaced. I don’t think it would be the same for everyone, but for me, as I expressed how I felt, I was able to sort through the different emotions involved in my anger. As I sorted through emotions, I was able to let go of them and see things more rationally. With rational thought came the realization that some of my feelings were not logical. When I realized my feelings lacked validity, I knew I had to reevaluate some of the things I thought I knew about God.

Little rabbit trail here… Yes, I know feelings are not logical and I don’t expect them to be logical. I also know feelings are not right or wrong; it is what we do about how we feel that is right or wrong. But I think we do ourselves, and those around us, an injustice in NOT evaluating our feelings for validity. We miss an opportunity for personal growth!

When people hurt, they look for an outlet for their pain, and they tend to look for a person to blame. They lash out in an effort to find relief. Some people point a finger at an individual and many people point a finger at God. I also felt, when I started honestly talking with God, like somehow He was responsible for what happened to me. I know God is sovereign, all knowing, and all-powerful, and I know He has and does intervene in miraculous ways to help those who follow Him. But what do you do with the times when you prayed and asked God to intervene and nothing happened? Does that mean that God failed? Is it a betrayal in some way? In evaluating God’s sovereignty and miraculous intervention, I realized that there were three assumptions I had to consider: God did nothing to help me, God is responsible for my pain, and God should have stopped the other person from hurting me.

Let’s consider these statements.

1.     God did nothing to help me. This belief is responsible for many people walking away from God. But upon closer reflection, it is actually rather arrogant. How do we know God did nothing to help us? Can I state with absolute certainty that God did nothing to help me? The reality was and is that there are many things that happen on this earth every day that we know nothing about. In order for us to state unequivocally that God had done nothing, we would first have to know everything that God is doing. So I may feel like God has done nothing to help me, but, regardless of the situation, that does not make it the truth.

2.     God is responsible for my pain. The fact that God did not stop the people who hurt us, does not indicate that God endorsed their actions. In evaluating my specific situations and evaluating how God feels about sin, I know that God wanted the people that hurt me to behave differently. Each of those individuals were given numerous opportunities to do the right thing, to walk away from the sin; in each situation the person or people made a choice. God’s ultimate power and authority does not lessen the personal responsibility of the people making the choices. Because I know that someday we will all answer for our actions, I also realized that, while they may or may not face any consequences here and now for their actions, ultimately they will answer for their choices.

3.     God should have stopped the other person from hurting me. As I consider this thought now, it amazes me that we put this on God. Most people are offended with God because of what He considers sin and because of what the Bible says we should and shouldn’t do. When we put this idea on God, we are expecting God to let us do what we want while he stops other people from doing what they want. We want to be free, but we don’t want others to be free. We can’t have it both ways.

The final part will be posted next week... 
 

---

Wrestling with God: Walking the Tightrope

 Several months ago I posted a blog about wrestling with God. I thought I was done with that topic, but I have been through a huge change in the last couple of months. I packed up my life in Johnson City, NY, and relocated to Charlotte, NC, where I moved into an apartment. Once again I am searching for employment, and once again I find myself wrestling with God. The longer I wait to get a response from potential employers, the more I wonder if I have done the right thing in moving. I chose Charlotte because I believed God was directing me here. What if I was wrong? This kind of wrestling isn’t connected so much to the reality of God, but rather considers God’s faithfulness. I moved here in faith; will God provide for me now? And so I find myself still wrestling with God.

Sometimes a relationship with God feels like a tightrope: it is hard to maintain a balance. God is, after all, GOD. You know, sovereign, creator, holy––GOD. But He is also a friend, a companion—He wants a relationship with us. If I completely embrace a relationship with God, then sometimes I feel like I am disrespectful of His divinity; but if I focus completely on God as divine being, then He becomes unapproachable and the relational aspect is gone. This struggle between the divine and relational aspects of God brings up a dilemma for those of us who love Him and are trying to walk with Him: what are we supposed to do when God offends us? What do we do when we are struggling with God?  I wish there was a formula I could give you, that doing X,Y, and Z would bring everything back into balance, but it doesn’t work that way. All relationships are unique between the parties involved. It is up to you to figure out how you will handle your relationship with God. What I can tell you from experience, and what I think is the most important aspect of wrestling with God, is that God is okay with our wrestling with Him. In fact, I believe God LOVES it when we wrestle with Him because it tells Him we take the relationship seriously.  

Wrestling, as a sport, is up close and personal. It is not done from a distance. It involves physical contact, looking at the opponent face-to-face. It is impossible for wrestling to be indifferent. It is heated—the people involved are invested in the outcome and biased as to what the outcome should be.  Given these two factors involved in wrestling we can see that wrestling is intensely personal. It is the same when we wrestle with God. We omit the physical element as we cannot actually touch God, but the other components remain the same. We cannot wrestle with God unless there has been closeness in the relationship. When we need or want something from God and we ask, because we are told to ask for what we want from God, it doesn’t always go the way we hope. We care—about our relationship with God, about whatever the issue is, and about how the issue is affecting us. We cannot be indifferent in our wrestling with God. It is personal.

Wrestling gets very complicated and confusing, though, when it comes to the expression of our feelings. This is another one of those tightropes. If God is only a DIVINE being, then we do not have the right to express our feelings. But if God is relational, then communication of both parties’ feelings is essential to the relationship. Here is where it gets tricky. Most relationships are built on rules, and although the rules vary depending on upbringing and life experience, among these rules you usually find the idea of mutual respect, caring, and a balance of honesty and tactfulness. Those of us who have a relationship with God want to maintain a respectful attitude toward God; we get that He is GOD. But sometimes the pain is so excruciating, the hurt and anger so overwhelming that you cannot hold back in expressing how you feel. It isn’t that you intend to be disrespectful or that you are challenging God’s authority, but the emotions are intense and an honest and relational approach to God dictates the need to “let it all out.” It is critical to realize at those times in our life that God can handle the FULL WEIGHT of our emotions. 

To be continued... ;-)  

Music!

Music has always been part of my life. When I was little I listened to my parents sing in church. As I got older I listened and sang along with my parents Letterman and Sandler and Young records. In high school I sang in my school choir and the church choir and listened to Lionel Richie, the BeeGees, Billy Joel and Bon Jovi with my friends. As an adult I participated in church worship teams. Music has always been there. But I didn’t realize until the last couple of years that, for me, music is a necessity – I literally cannot live without it.

Life is strange.  You go through the day-to-day and while everything isn’t perfect, it is okay and you can deal with the occasional twists and turns. But then the bottom drops out of your world and it doesn’t take long for whatever reserves you had to be depleted. It is funny though, life doesn’t stop when your reserves are depleted and you have to figure out a way to keep going. I was praying, I was trusting in God to help me, but it wasn’t enough. And that is where music stepped in.

Music is not just something I hear; some days it is my prayers, some days it is my hope. I don’t understand how it works, but music is able to go deep inside and pull things out of me - dreams I didn’t know were there. Music gives me courage, it inspires me to keep going, it lets me know I am not alone, and it reminds me that life is still fun and full of good things.

While my taste in music may not be everyone’s taste in music, I will share a few of the songs that have kept me going over the last year.

Not For A Moment – the Vertical Church Band with Meredith Andrews

http://youtu.be/XD0cvWImVjA

Worthy, Worthy – the Vertical Church Band

http://youtu.be/NA1mOQJouRg

The Great I Am by Phillips, Craig, & Dean

http://youtu.be/BhlDGS8wTeU

You Won’t Let Go by Michael W. Smith

http://youtu.be/zl9blXdooqY

Let It Out and When We Come Alive by Switchfoot off of their Fading West CD.

http://youtu.be/vl9focF2tvg

http://youtu.be/QfTopfOAEdY

Dark Horses and Afterlife by Switchfoot off of Vice Verses.

http://youtu.be/5_5oE0ijhKg

http://youtu.be/j6z-H3_hgEU

Never Let You Go by Manafest

http://youtu.be/8g3lBhgMW-M

On My Own by Ashes Remain

http://youtu.be/4l7fhxNrrrM

These songs have gotten hours of playtime; sometimes the song is on repeat and I listen to it over and over again. There have been days when I wished that I could somehow take in the music intravenously as I couldn’t seem to get enough of it. And it never seems to be loud enough. Some days that is how consumed I am by music.

I am going to close with a quote that pretty much sums it up for me,

“I was born with music inside me. Music was one of my parts. Like my ribs, my kidneys, my liver, my heart. Like my blood. It was a force already within me when I arrived on the scene. It was a necessity for me - like food or water.” Ray Charles