Sick

I hate being sick, it is lousy being sick, and I don’t have time to be sick. But here I am – SICK!! The only thing that makes me feel slightly better is that everyone else is sick too. Perhaps I caught it from one of the many students who are sick right now, perhaps it is because this winter has been sooo cold and we have had so much snow, or perhaps it is because my routine has been completely turned upside down this weekend by my faithful buddy, Riley.

Riley is a dog. I am his other mom; his first mom had to leave town for a few days and whenever she leaves, I take care of the puppy. It is difficult to have to take him out for his walks. I feel crappy and he is soooo happy to be outside! But he is also soooo cute. He follows me around my little apartment and makes me laugh as he destroys toilet paper rolls and boxes. When I am need of a little exercise, indoors, I get up and pick up the shredded cardboard and throw it away.

So far my days have consisted of several movies, lots of naps, several large mugs of tea and lots of water, which has eased the coughing but then there is that other thing that happens when you drink a lot. It would helpful if I could somehow move the TV into bathroom.

To make things more interesting – the apartments I live in had frozen pipes twice yesterday - never a dull moment. But even in the middle of the yucky stuff of life there are so many good things. My parents brought me medicine and crackers and another friend brought me soup and more crackers. The staff at the college where I work and where my apartment is were awesome getting the water fixed right away. And I have several people who have texted me and asked what they could do to help. I am so thankful for all the wonderful people in my life! The cool thing is that not are there so many wonderful people in my life, but sickness comes and then it goes and I am feeling much better. Life goes on…

Dreams

So this is February…perhaps too late for a post about a new year? Perhaps not! Not for me anyway. I have just realized to my astonishment and relief that this year is going to be a GREAT year! Maybe even the best year I have had in many years.

I am not going to complain about 2013. Well, not very much. After all, my daughter got married in December of 2013 and I now have a son-in-law – that was a good thing! And there were other good things that happened, but sometimes the good things unsettle you to the point that it takes a while to recover. And while you know they are good, sometimes they are also hard and you are just GLAD when you can be done with them. That was 2013 for me.

But while I was glad to see 2013 depart, I was uncertain about 2014. For example, I know medicine is a good thing and will (hopefully) make me feel better, but that doesn’t mean it will taste good. And once you have had one nasty tasting medicine you are wary of the taste of other medicines. So a good thing, but a hard thing can make you wary of the next thing. Because of that I took the month of January to think about my life. What do I want to do now that I can do anything? And can I really do anything?

Those questions have taken some prayer. And careful consideration. My biggest consideration are my kids and they are happily settled in their own lives. While they still want me to be part of their lives, they don’t need me in the same way anymore. They are off being the responsible adults I hoped they would become and are figuring out their place in the world. So I don’t have the tie of kids. Another consideration is debt and I don’t have a lot of that. Well, I have college loans, which are technically debt. But that debt doesn’t control where and I live and what I do for a living, so that is not a consideration either. And I am not responsible for a home. Again, technically my name is still on all the paperwork, but I bear no financial responsibility for the house and soon enough will have nothing to do with it, so I don’t have to worry about a home. So far – so good!

Perhaps my biggest question for myself is what exactly do I want to do? What do I want to be “when I grow up?” The funny thing is I have not known the answer to this question until recently. And perhaps I would not have known the answer at all if I hadn’t had to go through everything I have been through. 

But another major question I have asked myself is what happens if things go like they did before. One of the things we humans do when we consider the possibilities that life has to offer is to reflect on how things have gone in the past. And it is important to consider the past. But my future cannot possibly go the same way my past did because I am not the same. The past acted on me in such a way as to forever change me. My outlook, my responses, my boundaries are all different. I am different. And I am glad!

Last but not least is the question can I really do whatever I want? This has also been a tough question to answer. Mostly because I have kept the wrong company – the people speaking the loudest in my life were speaking words of negativity and failure. They pushed down my hopes and crushed my dreams to the point I thought they might be gone forever. I have realized though, that dreams are beautiful things. They are never crushed, only refined, and never gone, just waiting for you to remember them. And that is why 2014 is going to be awesome!! I remembered that I once had dreams. Somehow over the last month, with all of my questions and introspection, all of my soul searching and answer seeking, I have remembered my dreams. And in remembering them I have found the courage and the audacity to dream even bigger dreams. So let’s go 2014!

Scars!

Today I would like to share with you a poem written by my son.

Scars

Do you laugh because he is young?
Is he not fast enough?
Strong enough?
Does he not have the look of a warrior?
Look again!
See how he walks!
There is care in where he steps.
See his glance,
Which takes in the room
Determining friends or foes.
Watch how he carries his sword
Always ready,
But never threatening.
These aren't enough?
You still doubt him?
A scar is a sign of battle.
It marks a wound
And may remind its bearer of sorrow or joy.
One does not acquire these scars through cowardice,
And rarely is the scar desired by its bearer.
But look closely at the warrior scarred,
And marvel how he takes his weapon to continue the war he is called to.
These scars show the warrior had good fortune on his side,
That hopefully he has gained knowledge and wisdom through his pain,
That he knows how fragile life is,
That he must be better with his weapon than his enemy,
Lest the next wound be too deep to scar.
So, most wise and excellent observer,
See the young man's scars.
See them.
He has not a few
But many.
He has seen battle.
And he lives still.
There is knowledge and wisdom in him.
He must be good with his weapon for he would not be alive otherwise.
There is one scar in his back.
The mark of a dagger I would guess.
See how every other scar is on the front of his body.
See!
No, most excellent observer,
He is not the fastest or strongest.
And his appearance does not inspire awe or fear.
But
See!
I'll wager the one that put the scar on his back is no longer of this world,
For here this young man stands!
Mighty is the warrior dealt such a wound,
Who even in his pain turns to face his enemy.
Now do you see, most excellent observer?
Do you see the scars?
YOU STILL DOUBT HIM?
Oh my dear, foolish observer, one more thing must you see.
This young warrior, for a warrior he IS,
Is returning to battle.
Be knows he risks the pain of another scar,
That he might possibly lose his life in this next battle.
Yet he returns
Because it is his to do.
He is a man
And a brave warrior
Who goes back
Who risks the pain
Who faces the fear
To do what he was meant to do.

By Benjamin Beckner

Projects!

April 6, 2013

I find myself unexpectedly unemployed. This would perhaps be a problem if it were not for a wedding coming up in less than two months. There is no shortage of things to do!

I have never planned a wedding a before. Well, not one that wasn’t mine. My daughter is pretty laid back which is nice because she is easily satisfied, but difficult because it doesn’t matter (to her) if everything gets done. Since I am a Type A personality I like to know how many exactly and it is harder for me to be okay with whatever we have. So not only am I having fun working with my daughter on her wedding, I get to grow personally. I don’t have to worry about how many flowers get made and how many arrangements we have. Whatever we have will beautiful and enough.

And yet another opportunity for personal growth…there is no shortage of things to do around the house to get ready for the wedding. Again, the Type A kicks in and I want things to be perfect! After all, I reason to myself, this is the only time some of our family will see our house; I want it to look good. There are rooms that need to be painted, new blinds, curtains and carpets needed, and landscaping that needs to done. As I usually do, I start with grand, big ideas that are way too expensive and complicated. Then I go back and reassess and redo the list and I end with simple, workable, and less expensive projects that are able to finished. Most of them will get done and those projects that don’t get done will still be there when the wedding is over.  For the record, I love working around the house, working in the yard, painting rooms, and making flowers. So here are a few of my projects… And I will post some after pictures when some of these projects are done!

Making Room...

Bon Appetit? Am I going to do a whole blog on a cooking magazine? Well, no. But those of you who know me well know I love Bon Appetit and have collected them for many years. And I am getting rid of them; that is what this blog is about.

“Now the Lord has given us room and we will flourish in the land.” Genesis 26:22

I have always found this verse, and the whole chapter actually, interesting. The nutshell version is Isaac is opening wells originally dug by his father, Abraham. As he opens one well someone comes along and claims it is their well. This happens several times until at last, no one bothers Isaac about the well. That is when he declares that God has made room for them in the land.

No, this is not a random thought; there is a point. We are pretty well into January now and I am now cleaning up and out. This could have something to do with the fact that I have just put all the Christmas stuff away, or it could be because my daughter plans to get married this year. Either way, the New Year is a great time to sort things out and start fresh.

Personally, I am embarking on a healthier lifestyle. I am still not eating gluten and have eliminated other things from my diet as well – dairy, corn, sugar, and meat. And, as I mentioned earlier, we have a wedding coming up this year and usually (from what I hear) there is some expense associated with weddings, so I am preparing for a garage sale to add to the income column of the budget and help offset the “outgoing” column of the budget. This involves cleaning out, sorting, and my favorite, throwing away! And that brings me to the Bon Appetit’s. Some of these I have had for a while – yes, that really says 1989!

 

And I am not just getting rid of magazines. I have gone through cupboards, closets, craft supplies, and boxes I have been storing since we moved into the house. Honestly, it feels great! My house is neater and more orderly, which makes it easier to keep clean, which means time spent on things that are more important to me like my college classes.

So what is my point? I am making “room” in my life. In cleaning out my house I am not making room for more stuff. I am making “room” for simplicity and peace. I am making room for friends and gardening and school and making wedding decorations! And with my healthier lifestyle choice I am also making “room.” I am making room for weight loss and better health. But hopefully, I am also making “room” for other more important things – things I want more than weight loss. Hopefully, I am making room for forgiveness and love, which I need in abundance. And perhaps, there will be room for grace and wisdom too – you can never have too much of  either! And maybe, hopefully, God willing, like Isaac, I also will flourish.

My "Bests" for 2012!

Looking back on the year that has passed and anticipating a new year is always exciting. But sometimes when I look back I see only the hard things that happened and forget the good things. I was reading a blog I subscribe to and the writer of the blog asked its readers to list their “Bests” for 2012. In remembering the “bests” you end the year on a positive note and take an “attitude of gratitude” into the New Year. I started considering what some of my “bests” would be and decided to share them with you.

Best song – It is hard to choose one so I will go with “10,000 Reasons” by Matt

            Redman and “Not For A Moment” by Vertical Church and Meredith

            Andrews

Best new food – Rice chips and rice crackers

Best new habit – I eliminated gluten, dairy, corn, soy, and refined sugar from my

            diet. It has made a huge difference!

Best books – Again there are two. The devotional book, “Jesus Calling” by Sarah

            Young and “Life of the Beloved” by Henri J.M. Nouwen

Best thing I am learning – That my trying really, really hard does not get me any

 closer to where I think I want to be. I am learning to relax and let go.

Best thing about my husband – He loves to cook and many nights has dinner ready

            when I get home from work. (There are lots of good things about my

husband, so this is just one of the “best” things!)

Best event – Reconciling with my husband

Best DVD – While not a cinematic classic I think my favorite DVD this year was

            “Larry Crowne,” starring Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts. Not only does it have

            some awesome ELO songs, but I identified with his struggles and situations.

 

Best movie in the theater – So, I don’t go see very many movies in the

            theater, but one that was special for many personal reasons was “The Hunger

            Games.” I loved the story and saw it with my husband, daughter and her

            “friend” Paul. Paul is now Katheryne’s boyfriend and soon - May 2013, will

            become Katheryne’s husband. (It is not official yet.) And the second which

            is the most amazing movie I have seen, maybe ever, is “Les Miserables’” with

            Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway. The music was breathtaking!!

Best weekend – I participated in a Koinonia weekend this fall and it was the best

            thing I have done in a while. I laughed, I cried, I ate way too much and

            found a place where it was safe to talk about my hurts. Most importantly,

            I realized I am not alone in my brokenness.

Best Christmas Album – Each year I pick an album and listen to it over and over

again – this year it was “How Many Kings: Songs for Christmas” by Downhere.

Best new album – “All Things Possible” by Mark Schultz

Best new recipes – I started making my own protein bars with vegan protein

            powder, gluten-free Rice Krispies, almond butter and agave nectar –

            yummy!! And Beef Stroganoff thickened with gluten-free Bisquik and

            almond milk and served over Quinoa pasta! (Actually, my husband

            makes it!)

These are just a few of my “bests” but I hope they help you to think of some “bests” of your own. And as you enter the New Year, may your eyes be open to the small blessings that are part of every day, may you choose to forgive those who wrong you, and when life is hard – may you always choose joy!

Reflecting on my kids!

--> Wow, it is almost the end of 2012! How time flies…when you are living life, because it hasn’t been a completely fun year. But it has been a special and good Christmas this year. Both kids were home and we were joined by Katheryne’s boyfriend, Paul and have enjoyed having all three here. I have become more aware, especially this year, at how my kids have become their own persons while also marveling at the similarities between them and family members. 

--> For instance, Ben is now 22 years old. For the past year or so I have told him how much he reminds me of my brother David. Although he heard what I said, I don’t think he saw that in himself – until this year. We were able to get together with my brother and his wife and daughter and my parents, so Ben was able to spend some time talking and visiting with them. This past week as we have talked and Ben has been “himself” around the house I have heard him say more than once, “Yea, I guess I am a lot like Uncle David” or “Yup, that is something Uncle David would say.” I wonder how it is that he became like my brother David rather than my brother Alan and I guess only God knows the answer to that question. But I am constantly thankful for David’s integrity and character and am thankful my son has had several examples of integrity and character in his life.  

And Katheryne…Katheryne is quiet, intelligent and witty. As Ben and I were talking about who he is like she commented that she didn’t think she was like anyone in our family. But she is like her dad. And her dad is like my dad. They all have this dry sense of humor, that is unexpected because they are so quiet, and is also very funny. Katheryne, Levi and my dad are all writers – perhaps Katheryne is the best because she has taken classes to pursue writing as more than just a hobby, but it is something they all have in common. And while they each excel in a different area, they are all extremely intelligent. When I pointed the similarities to her she quietly smiled and said, “Oh.” Again, so much like her father and grandfather. 

My kids are all grown up and making their way in the world. Becoming a little more themselves every day, and a little more like the people who have been influential in their lives. What a gift to have them home for Christmas this year and how proud I am of who they are!!

As the holidays come to a close I am reminded again of how special family is - I would not have made it through 2012 without my family. And just as I pray for myself and those special to me, I pray that 2013 holds many blessings for you and your family.